baby_blues7 - The only hope is letting go..

I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end - we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and in peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all. You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.

In writing my own story these past couple years since leaving Columbia i've realized more than I thought I would ever. I've taken my leaps and crossed my paths, but this journey for me is just being. I never thought I would be great at figuring out my major. Coming from Columbia where photography was what I was going to do for the rest of my life to criminal justice with my main focus on social work. Its funny how things work out. Columbia was that institution that gave me that added push I needed. The teachers were some of the best i've ever had. They helped me along the way and made me look at school in a different light. I'm lucky enough to move back home and go to the community college that has been a huge success. The teachers there are amazing and I am very lucky to have them more so now than ever. Looking at the past and realizing that I can't always have it my way NO matter how hard I try. Skating through life isn't something that i've always done, but not this time. I'm working harder and doing this for me. Who would of thought that a couple years ago i'd be this far forward in my life? If I was talking to you about becoming a cop or juvenile probation officer 4 years ago I would of had those strange looks and the questions and the doubts, but not this time. I've pushed to achieve greatness in the field of work I hope to be in. Ask anyone who knows me and ask them if you would of thought of all my school transfers and the fact that in high school I was a 2.0 student I would be considering admission to Arizona State? I'm crazy sure, but to pack up leave a place that i've known my whole life? It wasn't on my mind that long ago. Until those horrible things that happened in my life really gave me a lesson on the real world. School is my main priority and i've gone into this year in full focus and for once I'm actually sticking to my words. The light at the end of the tunnel is approaching and I will go out with my head up high and proving to my parents that I can do this. . .

The world of chance. I've taken my chances when it comes to those who walk in my life and those who walk out only to return for more chances. I've given my chances to those for the last time and now look where there at. I came home from Columbia with leaving some pretty amazing people behind, but I felt as if I didn't fit in. Starting over back home was strange. I met a friend who has been my close friend for 3 years now and she's now not a part of my life. She was someone I thought would be my best friend for a long time. Wow, did I lie to myself. There all the same. Girls are bitches whom I can't trust NO matter what. It sucks, but thats life and throughout the drama of her i've grown as a person and can't give someone who treats me like dirt more than 3 chances. I do have to thank her though for making me see who I am even more in depth. I'm thankful to know that my life isn't about the fashion I wear or the bag I have, but what I do have and where I came from. I'll always be a city girl at heart. This crazy cornstalk suburb is not for me. It took me so long to figure out my life when it came to Matt, but after so many years of crying and dealing with the hurt inside i've moved on and have moved on for quit some time now. I never thought that was going to happen. I thought I was always going to run back to him seeing he had my heart, but not anymore. I do blame him for my semi-crappy time at Columbia, but really it was me who made it that way. I cared more about him then I did myself. This time my life is all about me. It took for me to finally move on and when I did I thought that a boy who always had my heart (in between the bullshit of Matt) would change. He always crawled back and because when things first happened between us I was young and so crazy for him I always took him back. I've wrote about him before and looking back on that now I can see a pattern of my hurt. Im the only one that can put myself in these situations and I'm the only one that can get myself out of them. Don't get me wrong he doesn't know how I will ever feel or what he put me through unlike Matt who knows everything (NOW). It does suck because I will always think of him until that day comes when someone sweeps me off my feet and makes me feel ten times better then i've ever felt before. I'm not looking for love or my future just right now would be great.

Not to long ago I had Mr. Right Now, but shortly after issues risen I had all those crazy questions pop in my head. Not to mention that one person who has my heart was placed in the back of my mind. Chris was someone who I helped personally through all of his family issues and it was great, but it wasn't my place. It wasn't were I belonged. He changed my outlook on men seeing he showed me the other side to a relationship. Something I didn't get from Matt or Jensen. Even though that sounds crazy its the truth. I can only thank him more than anything next to Nicole for making me see what not to do in a relationship. I don't think that I can be his friend anytime soon. There's to much hurt on that personal level that I can't forget he ever said. So for now he's just a figment of my imagination. I'll just sit here and keep imagine that Mr. Perfect is out there and will be my Mr. Now, but maybe not forever.

Peace. I've settled down myself from wanting so much and not taking the time to sit down and breathe. With taking in all that I have and can now organize my life according to me. Not anyone else. My life is perfect. My parents relationship with me is something thats amazing. I couldn't ask for two better parents who love me for the accomplishments i've made along the way. The friends that I have in my life new and old have shown me that there not going anywhere and that I can always count on them. Tensions aren't high unless your dealing with dad's side of the family, but thats another day/time/story. My life is just the way I like it. I'm happy. I don't need a man in my life even though it would be great, but its not something I need right away. I'm not looking. I'm looking to further my education and my career. Living my life day in and day out for me.

I haven't let the wheel go just yet, but when I do i'll know that i've finally made it.