baby_blues7

Its funny that I stumble apon my most recent entry..I wrote about something that happened from that time a year ago. I remember writing it and definatly being sad. I do find funny that when someone says "History repeats itself." It really does, but this time it only lastest a week. :( I thought it was the real deal. Something that would stop this wierd feeling that I had inside of me. Boy was I wrong. It is strange to see yourself writing about the past and then having be your future to once again add it to your past. Well i'm done with the past and moving on to the future of My life and what make ME happy. As I continue reading past entry's I find myself laughing and crying at the same time. I miss Columbia without a doubt. That place was a safe haven. If I could go back I would in a heart beat knowing what I know now. I believe my Columbia experience would have been better if Matt wasn't my main worry. Since I've been home I've realized alot. I've gone through a ton and pushed for better things.. All except the guy part, but I did realize that I don't need a guy in my life to be happy. I don't need the past in my life either..unless its something great like the friendships made or the learnings i've been taught along the way. I have a new job, new room, new life goal. I am in school for Law enforcement and loving it. Well most of it. Politics are intresting and I love to argue so it works out in my favor. Shocking also that i'm going to class and not miss a ton like I have previous semesters. I don't konw..I'm going to start writing more though. This felt good.

So as I love being a bum at home I come to the conclusion that I find myself in a daze looking back on what I was doing a year ago and what made those time stick out. I realized that the years go by faster and faster as we grow older. Scary to think that our parent's are actually right. It's not everyday you want to believe them. Agh just the thought of the what's, the who's and definatly the why's. This time last year it was 6-6-06 and everyone was freaking out that the world was going to end once again. Really those people are sooo stupid, but eh ok. not going to happen. I remember what I actually did tonight (a year ago) which is weird when you really think about it. I remember hanging out with some of Ardo's friends whom I met while playing softball on sundays at Mt. Greenwood. His one friend Bryan liked me and since I wasn't on speaking terms with Asshole I figured why the hell not. Then I realized that Bryan wasn't A.my style and B. tall. Ha. So that lasted a day. I remember he even asked me out a couple days later. Wow. I'm such a dork for seriously remembering that one! Lame! Oh well. The crazy part about last year is what happened before Bryan and my crazy life of having many friends and figuring out what I was actually going to do and what I felt comfortable doing. I hung out with this boy named Kris Jensen whom when I was in high school was the jock, the one all the girls fell in love with just by looking at him. I guess you can say that he was the semi John Tucker of Stagg. I never would of thought what two years after high school was over that I'd actually get that change to realize that wow that was a mini mistake. This man whom I gave a chance too was not going to be that guy he was in high school, but I was semi wrong. He liked me and that was amazing i'd spend the night with him and there was never a dull moment untill he sent me the email that made me realize that he's a fag at heart and well totally not worth it. He told me that he didn't want girls in his life right now and the best part is I still have it saved. Oh man I wasn't upset at all by this. I laughed so hard that I remember pissing my pants. What kind of guy pulls that? I know that seems really stupid to sit here and bring that up, but here come the what if's of life. If he was "normal" it would of been a year and thats just crazy since well i've been dealing with asshole for how long? My heart would of been with someone else and maybe thats what should of happened, but it didn't. My heart is with a complete asshole. All I know is that I must find that strength to walk away for good from the past and not look, but explore my future and what comes to me. Not what I chase. Totally not worth it. I just want to have that "one" jump into my arms. I want someone who will treat me like I treat them. Who will love me more then i've ever loved before. I'm sick of those guys who only want a piece of ass or are so fucked up its not worth the time or day. This is usually when I fall off the face of the earth and do my thing. I spend my days working and dealing with one those I want to deal with, but since I have sorta a job (I don't like and will quit) not making money and really bored. I need to get to Columbia and send my transcripts to JJC so I can figure out what I need to take and what I don't. I need to get back to the swing of school. A socail life isn't what I don't want. I want to focus on what will get me somewhere. I need to figure out a career and well money to get the hell out of this house. I hate it here. I've pondered the thought of a career in my major, but in a different state. I need something. I need a new start and need to get my life in order.

My life in a nutshell...UNIQUE....

XoXo

Agh, I figured well I have this and I feel the need to write. Ahh got to love sunny Chicago, IL! 80+ weather sucks! Plus when you add cotton falling from the trees my allergies go crazy!! I'm dying and so are my kidneys! Being sicks blows! At least I can thank channel USA for always having Law and Order on. That show is amazing, but I prefer the new ones SVU all the way. Oh how time goes by when doing nothing. Ha. I don't think i've ever been this bored in my life! Since I quit my job a week ago i've found myself to be super bored and well have done uh well NOTHING! Homer Glen is horrable.. Things close at 9pm, NO one wants to come out all this way, and well I LIVE NEXT TO HORSES! HELLOOO! Can you same LAMEE! I do have to say that i'm excited to see that Dustin (Army) came in for a couple weeks to see us all before he goes to Washington :(. We've had parties, gone bowling, and simply done nothing! It's amazing! I love this kid to death and the bonus i've known him since I was 9! He asked me to go to Washington, but I declined. Don't get me wrong though I'd love to and start a life that I believe I need, but school and work at two main things that I can't live without. There's been so much to think and do in the next couple months. I'm super excited to get a job in the town that I know no one in. So hopefully i'll meet some cool cats, but i'm not holding my breath. Lemont, Lockport, Homer Glen are seriously full of snotty girls and we all know how well I get along with those girls. Ha. Oh well we shall see. I just wish I had the will power to figure out another job without really jepordizing this one that I didn't even start yet. I wish to make enough money to save and well get the hell out of my house. I know that its going to take some time. I'd feel better about myself knowing that I can maintain a steady income and go to school. When I first thought i'd move in with a roommate, but wow I realized that when it comes to friends NO matter how well you know them they will in the end screw you over. The fighting isn't worth it and if I can go home in peace and do my thing i'd be amazed. Sure i'll have people over, but the fact that I won't have to worry about another person and their bullshit i'm good. I've definatly can say that I've changed since Columbia and I thank that experience and the challange it brought me.
I'm so more open minded, but I love the bubble that is held around myself. Friends are something that you can only hold on for so long, but family is the key that will help you through the life you make for yourself.

I'm in love, but with whom? This man that I call my boyfriend, but really I hate him and my life would be ok if he wasn't in it. The main thing that sucks is its hard to walk away. Don't get me wrong I have strenght to walk away, i've done that time before but its not that easy when he always comes back. I wonder why? The other day I found myself wondering why does he like me and why has it been 2 1/2 years... I'm always the one to sit there and well make fun of those who last so long and I don't know how someone can deal with someone for so long, but its love. and wow for once I hate that word, but I don't. I have no idea anymore. When it comes to a man and whom I can see myself with it would sound something crazy like...Taller and a wee bit older. Loves to do things, but doesn't over do it. Wants to attend family things since family is key. Also just is so laid back. I don't do crazy, party animal, egotistical, my age?...oh im sure I can go on for long time, but its ok.

I love this popsecret i found!! I wish I could post it, but this will do..

"Everyday I type you little messages. I tell you I love you.
I miss you. Have a wonderful day. Please be careful.
But I don't send them. I know I'm not supposed to.
But I hope that somehow, you know..."
-PostSecret

So, back to my wonderful life and well all I seem to do is bitch about matt good or bad on this site. Humm...Maybe I should just change it to bitch about matt.com! ha. That would be too funny! So my wonderful story! Ha. Well live has been strange. Matts bein really weird in a good way and this is how. Last week he took me to the Sox vs. Yankee game that was rained out from the night before all thanks to me! It was weird, cause the past history with him is that everything is hush hush and well we don't go anywhere unless I go to his house, so for him to pick me up and take me to the game with the biggest kicker! Our friends his close two friends were with us!! He never ever does this kind of thing. The funny part is that he was acting like a boyfriend, he was holding my hand, hitting me, flirting with me and what not. It was crazy...I was silent most of the game since I was shocked!! So while life goes on at home he becomes more and more like a normal guy since well I have been putting up with him for 2 years! Ohh and the biggest part of my story is that last night well Jamie through a party for her birthday and matt and Chachi came and it was great i got them so drunk, but best of all matt and I talked about some really serious shit. He also told me that the one night that I snapt on him (the week of finals) he was going to come downtown and see me at 7 and was going to ask me out, but well that didn't happen cause I made him made, but now its offical but we'll see how this goes since well he was drinking last night and I don't know how to approach him on that topic so we will see. As for the rest of my life its crazy and boring and I quit my job due to A.Boreddum B. to far to drive! So i've been job looking but no lucky! Hopefully I get one soon! ohh well...nothing really new though...just more bitching about matt. ohh well....this has to be one of my worst blogs ever! ha.

I'M GOING TO KILL MATT!!! I'VE LOST IT!!! THE END!

Ok, finally a NEW NEW post! I'm slackin! And of course its more about whats going on..

So, I finally snapped on Jill. I wrote a little thing on myspace cause I knew that people needed to see it. I'm done sugar coating life and well it was perfect since she's a myspace whore and all in all a dirty whore. WOw. Thats alot of whores in one sentence, but its all true. I'm glad I finally got it all out. It was needed. She treats my best friend Brian like shit. The kid basically worships the ground she walks on and buys her alot of things and its not jelousy its just the fact that theres no way in hell he's going to end up with her. He wrote her a letter about he's feelings what did she do. Call me and laugh about it and say that it's not like that. She's full of shit, but whatever. I'm glad that everyone loves it. I've gotten nothing but good things said cause she's a fucking freak and don't get me wrong she was one of my good friends, but I hate being treated like shit and well she did just that and it shows just look at all the bullshit that I write about her on here. I'm just glad NO one But you Ash can read this shit..but moving on.

I'm sick of working at Flat Top Grill I think I might go crazy!! I mean the money is worth it, but its a headache and all I want to do is scream. Kimberly wont talk to me and niether will Liz, but I really can careless it's not like my life revolved around them. They were just cool kids I worked with. I'm just glad that I'm not close with anyone there cause im sure it would be more dramafide. I've come to the realization that the place is seriously a joke......Not to mention I'm not a cubs fan and well its on the NorthSide...I think its time for a new job that will profide me more oppertunities.....

As for the rest of the shit thats going through my head.. I can honestly say the other night (Friday night) was one of the best nights I had in a long time with Asshole, but when I feel that things are on the right track they seem to fall apart in a matter of seconds or so I think that. I really don't know how much more till I finally let him have it. I really don't know anymore. Today I said i'd bring him food cause I knew he was hungry cause well thats how nice of a person I am and well he took forever to respond and then used his brother and his brothers girlfriend as an excuse for me not to come over cause it would be "akward" which in a way he's right only cause well I don't know his brother's girlfriend and well the beef between his brother and I well who knows if that kid still hates me. It just sucks cause I made the comment saying well I guess i'll never know anything since its all hush hush and I'm sick of it all. I don't know why I have tears, but the kid makes me sad and mad all at the same time. I just want shit to be normal, but then again I have no clue whats normal. I'm sure later I will write out how I feel and let him have it one last time cause i'm not spending my summer in tears nor the last couple weeks of school....

As for school i'm glad its comming to a close. I'm excited I will be finishing my papers soon and that its just over. I'll miss those I love to death in the UC, but theres always a beginning and an ending....

Well thats all for now, im sure there will be more when it comes to my depressing life of bitching about those whom I seem to care about way tooo much.........

Well well well It comes that time again when I finally stop being lazy and actually write. It's been forever, but since Ashling and I were talking about it earlier I figured I'd actually write while watching tv cause im a fruit loop. So since it's been forever and I really don't know where I left off i'm going to go back to the last journal entries I have in my notebook...Monday January 29th of January. I was heading home on Metra. So the night before was crazy. I thought it was going to be really bad since I was cold, tired and frustrated. The privous night i worked then went out with kimberly. We ended up at this german bar which was really cool. It's a bar in Lincoln Park. Mix crowd..Younger to older. Then went straight to work the next day. So I went to work in the same clothes. I was so gross. Oh well it was worth it. By the time I got home all I wanted to do was sleep and shower. I slept for a couple hours and the biggest shocker I talked to Matt(asshole)! Now that was crazy. We actually talked about our relationship and how he pushes me away and the reasons for it not working. Which are exactly what I had thought. Bullshit!! I love being right!! So all in all we're actaully going to try! I can't believe that words and explination from him! Total shocker. It's been 2 1/2 years since this is been going on and I finally have answers! But the stories go on. No clue when this is from, but the story goes on... So lets recap of whats been going on. Lets see... The one friday I came home on Metra and got off at Worth and walked to Palos Lanes cause stupid Brian is so pathetic! It's all about Jill! So I finally hung out w/Matt(asshole)! But whatever we played in the snow and just chilled out. As of today it's been a couple weeks? since I attempted to talk to him or anything. I came to the conclusion he's not worth it. I've made my attempts and he hasn't. I thought by finally talking would change things, but negative on that one. So whatever. I know he'll write back to me..Give it a month. Oh well.. I've has to deal with so much bullshit. Work is pissing me off! I want a new job asap! Keene came in on the Chinese New Year and I suppposly "WOWED" him over, but that didn't last long.. on Sunday 25th? I got bitched at all morning by him! 1st was about the way I dressed then bitched about times for breakfast! I wanna shoot the man! I can't work another double there! I'm going to kill myself! I've been working doubles for a month straight Fucking SUCKS! Schools another pain in my ass! I hate Cultural Studies! It's so lame. On a good note.. This past weekend rocked! I went with James, Matt M, Dan C, John, Fin to see James' sister at NIU! We partied all night long! It was amazing! Matt M and I solved our problems and finally are together! My 2nd now crush! Even though I have to stay away from Matts! oops! Then there what I did thursday night! I hung out with Kevo and Timmy and Kevo's girlfriend. It was weird and I didn't think it was going to be but it was almost like a double date! But who knows what was going through their pea brains! Who Knows! I'm sure I wont talk to either of them any times soon. Then theres the comeback of Mikele! Starts with a text message and leads to what? Things aren't solved and he hurt me..end of story! How does your bestest leave you! Someone who knows more about me then I know about myself. This all likes to come threw in a weekend! This past weekend has been such a headach!! So this is now about Feburary.. Ok so the day before valentines day I get a phone call from Nicole! Weird I know! But shocking! So she was calling me from S. Carolina and asked for my address and so I gave it to her. Even though I knew my parents would flip! But they know she called! It's so lame! So now I got a letter and everyone and their mom wants to read it! The funnist part about this whole deal is missys with Luko! WtF! I laugh! Anywho! My life is so crazy! My new plan is to go to JJC for criminal Justice and work my ass off and the amazing thing is Jamie Lynn and I are going apt looking and start to get an idea for mid-summer! WoohOo! I'm excited! Forget everything and go for what I want!! 2-23-07 (Ends) Wow I just to March 4th... So my dream last night was creepy! It was me making up with Luko!! She moved in with a bunch of friends and we talked shit out. But it was ME who wanted to be HER friend again! Ok now that odd! and scary. I can't wait for sunday South Side Irish parade! Agh my life is confusing! I choose to deal with Matt, Asshole, and Ben.. So thats caught up through March 4th.. And well whats going on now April 11th is kinda different..I'll post another long story of the recent one. This is just to document and catch up on things.....

So I haven't updated this wonderful thing in such a long time. Alot has gone on, happened and really I have NO idea what the hell I even wrote about in my last entry. I know I deleted all of Allie's stupid entrys. Everything seemed to be on the right path, but eh im not so sure. I can't believe this mess of Matt and I seems to be on the right track, but im not getting my hopes up. Everytime it seems to be going good its never like that. For once we talked about that horrable night and the reasons why things happen the way they do between us. He told me the reasons why it wouldn't work and then realized that know matter how much you love your siblings you should give someone a chance. I'm proud that he finally realized that he's taken this different from all the other times. He realized also that he's pushing me away and thats the one thing i've always told him not to do. It just sucks that I haven't seen him since that angry night, but hopefully that will change.

I seem to be going home alot. I realized that I cant stand to be here anymore. I really wish I could find that one place, that one space, that one zone that makes me happy and me. Still haven't found it. I'm looking at different colleges and hopefully the little plan I have in my head will work out. Hopefully I get through this semester and get into North Central and this whole money issue wont be as hard on me like Columbia was. I don't know how much more I can take of that. I plan on getting an amazing job working full time and saving every penny. I hope by mid summer Chachi and I move out. I hope it works out, but who knows.

Latly Chachi and Jill have been getting on my nerves more than ever! Jill is the biggest pain in my ass! How do you show someone sympathy when they don't give two shits about you when there not sick or how could you not answer your phone and come up with nothing but lies and what sucks the most is chachi fucking believes them all! He has it in his head that Jills amazing and is in love with him and thats far from it. She's using him like she does to every guy and it sucks. I wish I had my bestfriend back they way it use to be. Agh! I really don't know anymore. There two stupid people. What sucks the most is that Jill is sitting in the hospital first it was all about kidney stones and thats something im not giving her sympathy on cause I went through that pain and even went through surgery...what is she doing NOTHING. I went a week without sleeping. Its bogus how that shit happens. Then she calls me and tells me all this shit...do I care nope. She is the biggest drama, self-centered person i've ever met. I don't trust her and I don't think I need that shit in my life. Whats the point of being there if im going to be treated like a little kid. Plus im not going to take her shit and buy her things like Chachi does. I just give up on them...Its just that time to walk away again.....

Oh how I love work...NOT! Well sorta. last thrusday sucked...TBC...

I like writing. It is very relaxing when I have alot on my mind. I believe im becoming good at it and I hope you enjoy everything I have to write since its so long. Once again I find myself unhappy. I wish I could find that "Happy Place" according to Happy Gilmore, but I can't seem to find it. Oh well.. Life goes on and so will I. Life is seeming to be ALOT different than last semester. I believe that im keeping alot more in and not doing what I did last semester even though the semester really hasn't started. This weekend most of the people came back from home and I strongly believe that things really have changed. I once found that this place was amazing and that I had amazing friends (which I do. Don't get me wrong, but i'm not the same Jenn).

So Ben came back early and I really wish he didn't and I hate to say it but I don't think he fits into my typical kind of guy nor my life style. I live a world that is kept in a close bubble and I don't really talk to people about my life or anything regarding that. I'm just this mysterious girl who goes to college and is exploring things to find out where I want to go in life. I feel as if we don't mix well in a relationship stance. We could be friends, but we live two different lifes. I found out that when this relationship was starting two weeks before class' were over that his close friend was really jelous of him and I, but i'm not suppose to know. I don't really get that since im involved somehow. I really just don't care at this point. Friday night he really made me upset. He was trying to get into that "bubble" I have around myself. I don't show emotion to anyone at school. They know NOTHING about my life and what i'm feeling and im not about to show someone I thought was going to be an amazing boyfriend. Thats not the case anymore. Sure relationships are about sharing feelings with one another, but not this one. I'm not really in search of a boyfriend or even a strong relationship with anyone and that goes for friends also. Like i've said before Jill and Leli are my TWO amazing friends that I wouldn't trade in for a million dollars. I spend every Saturday with them and I don't plan on changing that. They are two truely extrodanry people whom my life wouldn't be complete without.

This Saturday night wasn't like the past three this one was different. Instead of going to the bar we had a slumber party. Food, movies and talk is what we needed. I choose we do this instead of Leli and I going to the bar where i'd get wasted life usual and end up in tears. Jill and Leli and I watched crazy episodes of True Life and laughed at what stupid people are in this world we live in. We attempted to go to bed early so Jill could make us pancakes, but that didn't happen. We get this call at 3:45ish and it was Tom and Matt. Wow! Did I want to kill them both. Tom doesn't leave me alone. He sends me wierd text messages and if he could have me he would in a heart beat! It was really funny so last night we were going through all the guys and thinking of how if I had any of their babys how fucked up it would be. Than we did that with Jills and that didn't work out to well, but mine were funny! But back to what I was saying.. I could of told you asshole was going to say something cause he was drunk. The only time he has balls to say something to anyone. Moving onnn...

This week has been crazy/intresting. I went out thursday night with everyone from work. We went to Fryier Tucks on Broadway were they told the bartender it was my birthday so of course I wanted to kill them. Oh well so I can proudly say that i've taken a shot from a sheeps ass. It was really funny. I ended up drinking beer that night which led to me almost puking cause I really can't drink that shit. Oh well. The fun part was the way home. I had to walk a million blocks to the RED line. Eww taken the subway at 3am was not my idea of a fun train ride. I get on the train which had three sleeping bums and then at one of the stops another bum gets on and he must of shit his pants cause it smelled so bad not to mention the cigerette smoke. Who smokes on the subway! Why would you do that! Oh yeah thats right your NOT suppose too! God These people are so dumb! So I finally get back to the dorms about 3:30ish. I felt soo sick. All in all I learned. Rice+Beer+Shots+Train=Bad mix!

I'm really excited, but not about tomorrow. I have so much to do during the day and then I have to go to work. Not fun. I'm glad im getting more hours at work so I can put money away. I'm trying to think of a good job to apply for when school gets out so I can work full time and not have to worry about a social life and actually have money! Any suggestions? I also plan on working out on sundays when Taylor is all set. I really want to get back into the swing of that. I don't know whats going to happen though. I just know I need a well paying/fun job.

Well my mother and father are completly insane! Mom was just in Hawaii and I got the most amazing braclet. Its so pretty! Dad well he's still a pain in my ass...but those are parents for you....

Ehh I think ill end there....ta ta for now!

Well well well. The time has come to were I have more to write about and more emotion. I'm going to be a hypocrite here and say my life is a rollar coaster of emotion. If I were to name all the men I have truley fallen for it would seriously be on one hand. I know thats something hard to believe, but its true. If someone were to ask me who I would want to be with at this very moment in my life, someone I could say anything to or go some place special with i'd have to say Matt. Sadly It's him. I have delt with him for two and half years and I can't believe I have. My feelings for him have come and gone, but some how always returned. Theres just something about him that truly catches me and it's sad. To this day I can't believe i've given him more that 7 chances and its always the same story. I don't understand why or even how two people have the same feelings, but have reasons why it wouldn't work out. Now that hurts. I cried so hard. I can't believe this one person who i'd give my all too would say something like that, but you know what. Theres only so many times you can cry over a guy. So when he see's me later on in life he'll kick himself in the ass wishing. I know that things aren't going to change. He's the type to always run back. If this time it's different then its for the best I just let gooo..

I've been hurt and it sucks. I poor my heart out or I hand them the world and they either take advantage or they are so scared they don't know what to do. I don't get it. When a guy comes along i'm not one to throw myself at them. I play a game, but not something thats too fake. I am myself. I don't wear the fancy clothes or talk about something they have no idea what its about. I'm certainly not the girl that has hott girlfriends to were they would leave me for them. I've learned through the years that having a couple good (girls) as friends is a healthy thing, but at the same time it sucks not always have that friend who will be the one you can talk about boys unless your bestfriend is gay, then he'd understand.

So Saturday nite it was suppose to be Leli, Jill and I at the bar, but Jill didn't go. No biggy. I needed to catch up with Leli. He's my rock...If it wasn't for him I would have been so lost. We talked about everything from Jill to Matt to life. What we want to do and where we want to end up. It was a good talk.

My life is still so confusing on what I want to do as school goes. I'm really hoping that this semester helps me figure that out. I want to apply asap to the following schools. ISU, San Diego, San Fran, and I need to send my transcripts to Southern. My major would be Anthropology. I am taking an Intro to Anthropology this semester so it should give me an idea if I want to proceed in this major. The more and more I feel like I am being pressured into staying here for photography. Photography is my passion and I love it more than anything. Its what makes me happy, but doesn't make me money. My aunt and uncle are the ones who are the most amazing and by far the most important in my life, but they want me to proceed in photography. They don't see that I don't need a diploma in photography to do it. Sure I can get big, but that is so far ahead. Who knows what could happen. I'm still considering it. I just want to see if I can get into any other colleges. I guess that would make me feel like what i've done in the past year and half is finally paying off.

I'm terrifyd to talk to my aunt after blowing up on her. I think my best bet for now would write her an email or a letter and send it to her. I think it would be a start. I have to get my money for school soon or else. I hope that when we talk it solves things. I also hope that what Uncle Chuck and Aunt Carol were talking about the whole Japan thing really works out. I'd love to go for spring break cause that would be 1. an experince of a lifetime! and 2. something to do on spring break...

I'm glad to be finally back at school in this place that feels more of a home then the one I live in, in Homer Glen. I'm scared to see whats going to happen with Ben. I was so sad when he left and its great when I get to talk to him on the phone, but I don't see it happening for long. My school schedual is soo crazy. I'm going to do alot more writing then last semester, but it will be good for me since I believe i'm doing a better job of writing and having it sound really good.

I'm done for now. Back to Memiors of a Geisha..by far my favorite movie....

So i thought i was going to go more on what i priviously wrote before, but im not going to. I'm sure ill bitch and complain more about it. Its just my nature and thats what really gets me down. I'm super excited to go back to school! You have no idea! I love being home and the fact that this is has been an amazing break filled with alot of drunkin times with two different groups of friends. I thought i'd see maybe more people, but i realized that the ones that i have seen are the ones that truly count. I can't believe how time goes by. THis whole 5 week break is a little crazy. Its too long but at the same time fast. Through out this break i've managed to learn more about myself and see how things really are. I've stood up for myself so much more now then before. I wish i did a little bit more but i think i've done enough. I spent a lot of time with my family and my little sister. That was amazing. I hope things are clearer to her now. I've managed to see that i'm not the same girl who hangs out with Brian Leli's group.. I mean I managed to hang out with them alot this break, but they seen a different more mature Jenn. I believe thats amazing. I've also seen a change when it comes to going to the bar and how my attitude reflects that. I go there meet with the same group that i love to death but have a dont care how stupid i look. I dont need to impress anyone. I feel comfortable around these people. When im hanging out with Angies group or anyone else I feel out of place. These people are amazing don't get me wrong but arent my style. There all about the party and how you look. I feel more like a guy in there group cause i dont spend 8 hours getting ready or die my hair weekly or wear heavy make-up (it's not me anyways) I look at the few girls that hang around and think to myslef that im in the place for all the wrong reasons. So after last night of going to the farm for John's birthday I realized that i'm going to keep my distance from them. There not the type i'd rush to the phone for. This whole work thing sucks. I'm not going to lie. I really want to strangle Kate. She drives me crazy. I think her and I need to either talk or I need to talk to Justin about what the hell is going to happen cause i truley hate when she calls me when theres always people coming and going in chicago. I think we've switched at least 2 times a week. Now mind you mine are for good reasons. I love the job dont get me wrong. I get paid to do nothing, but stand there. I really hope that I get more hours while im back after next week. Ok, enough about that. I have a couple goals im going to set for 2007.
1. To get better grades then last semester.
I real need to get those up. I mean i didnt do that bad, but i need them to be better. I also need to find out what im going to do about schools. I need to start really applying and searching. I think for shits and giggles im going to apply to ISU. Hell Tony might have got in? who knows.
2. Stop eating all the time. Loose weight.
I mean really i left school wieghing more then i wanted to. So since i've been home i lost a couple pounds but now im that school is better im going to start working out. yay for free gym in the UC.
3. Put myself first.
I really need to put myself first instead of others.

well i think i've wrote enough. Time for Mac n Cheese! yay!

Ok, So i started to write this because i seem to be writing alot of letters to people whom i feel are either bothering me or i need to tell them how i feel cause its 2007 and i need to stop sugar coating life. Its not going to get me anywhere if i keep it all in. I've definatly noticed that. My life has been pretty crazy since school started. I went from living at my uncles to living in the dorms in a matter of a month of school. That was probably one of the best decisions i made as for school. I've changed my major but who doesnt change that. Don't get me wrong i love photography, but to major and go to school for it is way to techinical. I felt pressured to take things i didnt want to. I found my calling and that is Cultural studies. I love to see things in many different lights and see the way people do things. If i dont stay at columbia then im going to go to school for anthropolgy which is another form of what my major is now. I've been thinking about this for a long time and i feel as if it is what i really want to do. All my life i've been fighting for what i think is the right thing to do in my life and yet i feel as if its all wrong. *end for now.